Soul Searching for Friendship

How can you expect to be a strong, confident woman when the people you surround yourself with aren’t even strong nor confident. As Nipsey Hustle has said, “If you look at the people in your circle and you don’t get inspired, then you don’t have a circle. You have a cage.”

You can keep friends for different purposes. I have friends specifically for going out or who I drink with, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I get lunch with them the next day when we’re sober because intoxicated me and sober me are completely different people. Or I have school friends that I go to when I need study buddies or that I sit next to in class, but we probably won’t hangout outside of school unless we really connect on another level. But the ones you keep in your tight circle, the ones you call when you need advice, or who you can casually send an emotional text to, that’s your close circle. This is who you need to be conscious of because you are constantly intaking their energy. Look at them and ask yourself if you want to be feeding off of their word and energy. 

And before you answer that question you need to be unafraid of letting go and outgrowing them. This doesn’t have to mean you have to completely cut them off, but maybe you’re just taking a step back or reducing the amount of time you spend with them. 

If you want to change and evolve yourself, how can you expect to do so when you surround yourself with people who expect that past version of you? Or who inhibits you from changing? 

I believe everyone significant you meet in your life is meant to teach you a lesson or provide some sort of insight to yourself that you wouldn’t have been able to discover without them. As you reflect on this I want you to consider some questions:

• What value does this person add to my life? Maybe they inspire you in some way or push you to better yourself. After you see them do you feel emotionally or energetically exhausted? It should never feel like an obligation or like you have to prepare in some way to interact with this person. Friendship should be easy and should make you feel lighter. Overall if the thought of this person doesn’t put a smile on your face, it’s time to reevaluate your friendship. 

• Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with this person? If you can’t be completely truthful or emotionally open up to this person, how can you expect to grow closer? Or are they always venting to you but never asking how you are? Friendships should be a two way street of comfortability with each other, and being vulnerable will help both parties with understanding how they need to be there for each other, which leads me into my next question.

• In what ways do you feel supported in this friendship? Friendship isn’t just about having common interests and shared experiences, in the time where you and your friend are apart do they check in with you? Initiate conversation? Or when you’re together do you feel your feelings are taken into consideration? Do they openly show they care for you? In a relationship empathy and caring is essential and if it’s one-sided or not there at all, what is the point of keeping that person in your circle? 

I hope that these questions help you to reflect on your current friendships. Always remember that it is okay to outgrow people. You don’t need to cut them all off abruptly, but just work on setting your boundaries because only you can control who you let into your life. 

If you want some advice on attracting new, authentic friendships read this article: How to Make Friends- Zen Habits 

If you’re having some trouble letting go of a bad friendship, read this article on repairing it or leaving it behind: How to fix a friendship (or leave it behind if its toxic)- CNN