Kiana's Way to Women Empowerment

Tag: love

  • Putting Yourself First

    Putting Yourself First

    My early 20’s have taught me that I’m not ready to share my love and/or life with someone else yet. 

    I recently broke up with someone whom I thought I was going to marry. But as time went on the relationship started to feel more like a chore. I didn’t crave time with them. Thinking about our future together felt like work. I’d find myself asking about their day when in all honesty I couldn’t have given a damn. 

    But I didn’t know why. I loved my partner, and on paper they were great. They lived on their own, had a great job, did most of what I asked for out of our relationship. Yet I still wasn’t fully fulfilled, but on the other hand, still couldn’t leave them. 

    That’s when I realized it’s because leaving them would mean I would be alone. I would have no significant other looking out for me, showering me in love, or caring for me; and without them I would have to do that for myself, all on my own. 

    Which while in that relationship I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t think that I would be able to be content with my own love and care for myself. While in actuality, I am so much more than content. 

    I am fulfilled. 

    All of the things that were provided for me through my relationship feel infinitely better when I provide them for myself. I want flowers? I get them. I want to be taken out on a date? I plan it and take myself out. But most importantly I continue to show up for myself in ways that my partner could never have. 

    I, unfairly, expected a lot of effort, stability and independence out of my partner, and having those expectations is what made it tiring for me to continue the relationship. Now that I’m no longer with them, I recognize that what I needed was more effort, stability and independence out of myself. Since recognizing these needs and having all of this new free time, I’m able to give all of my effort to do these things and create habits that help contribute to those factors of my life. I see this as a form of self-care and self-love, realizing what I needed out of myself and actually creating a plan to work towards it. 

    Self-love and care is not just face masks and sweet treats. It is also recognizing your deep, internal feelings and facing them head-on. Ask yourself why you feel this way, what is causing it, and what you can do about it. The ultimate form of self-care is taking those next steps towards true happiness. Self-care can sometimes be walking away. It won’t feel like your usual self-care. It will hurt. But your future self will thank you for looking out for yourself, and will reward you with what you really need and what you’ve been searching for. 

    Trust your gut, it is never wrong. 

    Be willing and ready to put in the work. 

    And reveal your highest self. 

  • Being Your Own Significant Other

    Being Your Own Significant Other

    If you aren’t comfortable spending time with yourself that’s a problem.

    If you constantly need to be filling your time with other people or with substances like social media, that’s a problem.

    Being able to sit with yourself and your own company should be the most satisfying, fulfilling and rejuvenating time. Spending time with yourself is essential to restoring your own energy. If you can’t be comfortable in your own presence, I need you to get comfortable in the discomfort and learn to find support within yourself. 

    Think of your dream significant other. What do they do for you? How do they treat you? How do they talk to you? And become that for yourself. If you can’t be the best version of yourself FOR yourself, how can you expect to find that person who will also add that same value and more to your life? Otherwise you’ll just be grasping at weeds trying to make a garden that will never happen. 

    This is why our current generation is so content with the “situationship” mindset because we haven’t been told that we need to be better for ourselves first. If we aren’t meeting the standards that we set for ourselves it makes it so easy for us to accept when others also don’t meet our standards, which is why we end up letting them into our lives which they tornado through and end up wrecking. 

    Me crying over a past “situationship”

    Once you start to do these things for yourself and treat yourself that way, finding someone who meets or doesn’t meet your standards becomes much easier because you are already used to that type of treatment so you can easily weed them out. And in the meantime whether you’re looking for that person or not you still have yourself. Your own person should be your biggest priority and biggest comfort. 

    I do things daily that help me find comfort within myself and they all stem from what makes me happy and help me feel fulfilled, and none of my hobbies benefit other people, only me. 

    For example, when I want to relax I will journal or read. If I need some grounding, I will meditate. If I wanna feel strong or accomplished, I will exercise. If I want to enjoy my presence in nature, I will go on a walk. If I want to appreciate myself, I will buy myself flowers or treat myself to dinner. 

    Do you see the pattern? When I want to appreciate myself my hobbies include doing things that  when done with a significant other are considered a ‘date’ or are what we would expect a significant other to do for us. So start showing up for yourself and continue to do so. Every. Single. Day. 

    If you need some ideas on ways to take yourself out, read this list of 99 options: 99 Solo Date Ideas- The Good Trade

    If you want some more help practicing self love/care, take a look at this article: How to Actually Practice Self-Love- Wondermind

  • Soul Searching for Friendship

    Soul Searching for Friendship

    How can you expect to be a strong, confident woman when the people you surround yourself with aren’t even strong nor confident. As Nipsey Hustle has said, “If you look at the people in your circle and you don’t get inspired, then you don’t have a circle. You have a cage.”

    You can keep friends for different purposes. I have friends specifically for going out or who I drink with, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I get lunch with them the next day when we’re sober because intoxicated me and sober me are completely different people. Or I have school friends that I go to when I need study buddies or that I sit next to in class, but we probably won’t hangout outside of school unless we really connect on another level. But the ones you keep in your tight circle, the ones you call when you need advice, or who you can casually send an emotional text to, that’s your close circle. This is who you need to be conscious of because you are constantly intaking their energy. Look at them and ask yourself if you want to be feeding off of their word and energy. 

    And before you answer that question you need to be unafraid of letting go and outgrowing them. This doesn’t have to mean you have to completely cut them off, but maybe you’re just taking a step back or reducing the amount of time you spend with them. 

    If you want to change and evolve yourself, how can you expect to do so when you surround yourself with people who expect that past version of you? Or who inhibits you from changing? 

    I believe everyone significant you meet in your life is meant to teach you a lesson or provide some sort of insight to yourself that you wouldn’t have been able to discover without them. As you reflect on this I want you to consider some questions:

    • What value does this person add to my life? Maybe they inspire you in some way or push you to better yourself. After you see them do you feel emotionally or energetically exhausted? It should never feel like an obligation or like you have to prepare in some way to interact with this person. Friendship should be easy and should make you feel lighter. Overall if the thought of this person doesn’t put a smile on your face, it’s time to reevaluate your friendship. 
    • Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with this person? If you can’t be completely truthful or emotionally open up to this person, how can you expect to grow closer? Or are they always venting to you but never asking how you are? Friendships should be a two way street of comfortability with each other, and being vulnerable will help both parties with understanding how they need to be there for each other, which leads me into my next question.
    • In what ways do you feel supported in this friendship? Friendship isn’t just about having common interests and shared experiences, in the time where you and your friend are apart do they check in with you? Initiate conversation? Or when you’re together do you feel your feelings are taken into consideration? Do they openly show they care for you? In a relationship empathy and caring is essential and if it’s one-sided or not there at all, what is the point of keeping that person in your circle? 

    I hope that these questions help you to reflect on your current friendships. Always remember that it is okay to outgrow people. You don’t need to cut them all off abruptly, but just work on setting your boundaries because only you can control who you let into your life. 

    If you want some advice on attracting new, authentic friendships read this article: How to Make Friends- Zen Habits 

    If you’re having some trouble letting go of a bad friendship, read this article on repairing it or leaving it behind: How to fix a friendship (or leave it behind if its toxic)- CNN